"Will it be the same in the future? Will the prized treasures of to-day always be the cheap trifles of the day before? Will rows of our willow- pattern dinner-plates be ranged above the chimneypieces of the great in the years 2000 and odd? Will the white cups with the gold rim and the beautiful gold flower inside (species unknown), that our Sarah Janes now break in sheer light-heartedness of spirit, be carefully mended, and stood upon a bracket, and dusted only by the lady of the house?"
Jerome K Jerome, Three Men in a Boat (1889)
Really? And for how much? Some questions burn into your brain if they go unasked, so at the risk of Being Late For Everything today, I popped in.
The woman behind the counter appraised me, decided, rightfully, that I was not an Interiors' Savante with a Hedgefund Hubby and went back to reading Psychologies.
So I looked around the shop. The emphasis was delightfully odd. "Vintage Jelly Mould - Once Owned!" shrieked one sign. "Genuine 1970 tea-towels" gushed another, sitting above a pile of white tea-towels emblazoned with the word GLASSCLOTH, just like they used in the church hall when I was a kid. But oh, very prettily tied up with a ribbon, and, er equally prettily priced. And then, my absolute FAVOURITE - "Vintage garden string!". Which was a ball of, yes, string in a dusty looking wooden box, labelled (sit down) £15.00.
Now. What's going on? What DOES "Vintage Jelly Mould - Once owned!" actually mean? Because to my un-designer ears, it sounds rather akin to "Second Hand." Which is fine. But when the price tag has been increased five-fold due to its terribly fashionable "Once Owned" status, I rather feel that, somewhere around, there struts a rather chilly and gullible Emperor.
"Erm, your sign" I asked frosty shop lady who didn't answer. I dared further; "What do you MEAN exactly?"
She breathed audibly at me. "We re-allocate style to a piece of furniture in line with the recent trends" she said.
"Which are...?" I ventured
"Glorious," she replied, and added "IF you understand style", while writing £25 in beautiful itallics on a creased brownpaper package label, probably destined for a genuine 1970s retro HB pencil, Used By A Real Child...
Glorious indeed. And since I have recently found myself rather more in need of cash than before, I think I too should, shall we say, make more of an effort to, well, understand style.
And with this in mind, I've come over all entreprenneurial. Firstly, I plan to speak to my Dad about starting a shop in his loft. There is plenty of Genuinely Used Vintage stuff up there, and in REAL 1970's dust too. And secondly, I will be painting my own sign, offering to "Make Your Furniture Shabby". Trust me, this is going to be cracking deal: you won't even have to do any moving. All I will do is lend you my children, my dog and their friends for a weekend, and Bob's Your Uncle: genuine shabbiness, for a price we can decide when I've worked out your household income.
She was right, you know, the woman in her shop. It IS glorious, WHEN you understand.
And it IS odd to find yourself re-living something originally written by Harry Enfield...
PS If I HAVE offended anyone with my ignorance of interior design fashions, may I apologise and smooth the waters by pointing you to these 12 "weathered terracotta pots" sold on the Jamie Oliver site. They are DOWN from 75 whole pounds to only 37.50! That's HALF price!!! But if you get there too late, don't be overly disappointed; they do also sell them in the antique shop around the corner from here for 50p a pop...
