But at least this had made me laugh...

Thank goodness for other people to make things seem less mad, purely by way of their own insanity. Today I popped into, shall we say, A Shop to pick up a few basic store cupboard items, the absence of which had been brought to light by a recent cooking session with a friend from Bangalore.

The lady cashier looked at me. "Ooh, lots of spices," she said with interest. "Er, yes" I responded in my best Polite Shopping Wife voice, there not being much one could have added to that. "Indian?" she asked. "Well, some of them, yes, "I replied "but I think lemon grass is more often linked to South East Asia."

The woman looked at me oddly. "Not your shopping," she said, as though I was on the simple side "YOU, I meant. Are YOU Indian?"

Now here's the thing. I don't think I could ever be described as Looking Indian. I have faded, slightly dishwater hair which used to be rudely ginger, and all the other non-super traits which go with that colouring, like pale skin and freckles, which have now maliciously ganged up in places to give me a more blotchy brown-patch look. Over the years, I have often been told I look "soooooo English" and I say this without ego, as I am sure it cannot be a compliment. Once, a black cab driver told me I looked "just like Fergie". Can you imagine? I was so cross that I got out early in protest, (before realising that having then to walk over Waterloo Bridge in the rain was a perfect exemplification of Cutting Off One's Nose to Spite One's Face, while also not bothering the cab driver one jot). But honestly. Fergie, indeed; that is just being beastly.

Anyway, back to the shop. "Er, no," I said "Er, I'm not Indian. Why would you think that?"

"Because," she said, all raised eyebrows and slightly amused looks "you're buying all this Indian stuff and so I thought you might be Indian."

I told her again I wasn't Indian. I said I was English. Very English.

She looked at me for a while and then put on a gentle-warning voice.
"There's nothing wrong with being Indian," she said, slowly. "Not everyone thinks that being English is the Be All. I bet there are lots of people who are really proud of being Indian. You should remember that really".

It was like I'd been teleported into an episode of Goodness Gracious Me. I stood there, completely at a loss. It seemed I was actually being reprimanded for not being proud of being Indian.

"I'm not saying I don't want to be Indian, " I tried "I'm only saying I'm not, in fact, Indian. And therefore I can't be proud of being it. Can I?"

She gave me a long look. "Well," she said "I'm just saying that there must be PLENTY who are actually very happy to be Indian and therefore don't deny it".

HOW is one supposed to react to such utter barminess? "I know that," I said "and I'm not denying being Indian and would have no problem with being Indian, only I am not and that's hardly my fault. Are YOU Indian?"

"No", she said "I'm from Norfolk".

Oh, well, then....