Shocking Abberation of Housewifely Solidarity

"A true friend stabs you in the front."
- Oscar Wilde

I have a very disloyal friend. Not long ago, on a rare child-free outing, I popped in to visit on the spur of the moment and without the slightest hint of forewarning. This is an important detail, because it means she had No Idea At All that I was coming.

As I arrived at her door, I could see her SITTING COMFORTABLY ON THE SOFA READING THE TIMES with an air of the utterly relaxed.

And it gets worse. She greeted me in the most delightful breeze of happy calm, and as I stepped into her kitchen, I immediately noticed three things.

Firstly, the house was utterly spotless and in gaspingly beautiful order. Secondly, it smelt of fresh bread. And thirdly, the children were Playing Quietly together upstairs.

No, no, nooooooooo! Bad, bad friend.

Since my entry into the world of mothers, I have seen various perplexing manifestations of people's ideas of "friendship", but I really do feel this breaks EVERY rule of female (and in particular housewifely) solidarity.

In future, lovely girl (and you know who you are) I expect mess. And not just any old mess, but fetid, reeking goblin mess, suggesting days of blatant sluttish neglect. I want you stressed and impatient, struggling in an important phone call with a finger jabbed in your free ear. I want the dog gnashing to go out and the children shrieking for biscuits, and all of them wiling away the wait by fighting voiciferously right at your feet, while you wildly gesticulate death threats, which they ignore. And finally, I do NOT want to smell fresh baking.

I wouldn't mind if I thought you'd faked it. But I can't believe that YOU, of all people, had craftily set the scene of carefully engineered perfection in the hope out-housewifing any unannounced callers. I just can't see YOU lying prettily arranged on the couch all morning, like frightful Lucetta waiting for Farfrae (am I right here? The Mayor Of Casterbridge was a long time ago) just to trump me in the housewife stakes. No, I think you were simply in a wonderful state of order and were genuinely enjoying a peaceful sit down in a gloriously clean, bread-smelling house.


It was a shoddy thing to do. Please be more careful as we are meant to be friends.